Melissa Williams

The greatest evidence that my God is incredibly gracious with me is tracking how my stubbornness always fails. For example, I spent years of my life studying and chasing geology as a career because my grip to my plan was far tighter than my willingness to allow God to lead. I adore geology because it allowed me to understand and appreciate God’s creation in intricate ways that I hold dearly. However, I was trying to make this career happen without leaving room for Him to change my course or walk closely with me through it.

I can trace my habit of consistently building walls of stubbornness back to childhood. This developed from an extensive history of dysfunction and divorce in my family, a legacy that goes way back and has deep roots into how my family operates. For me an inflexible, unphased posture felt like the protective measure I needed to survive and have a voice in the chaos. My stubbornness grew from a desire to fix the people around me, or fix their circumstances so they didn’t have to feel pain. Not only did this allow me to feel like I could help, but it would provide me with worth. Being a witness to the pain in my family at a young age left me with misdirected empath; wanting to remedy any pain in anyone thereafter.

Later, I began to try to determine plans for my life that I could grasp and make sense of rather than try to figure out what desires and attributes God has placed within my very being. As the years passed and my ability to track the pattern matured, God was incredibly gracious with me by growing my biblical community in number and in depth. It became incredibly obvious through living alongside them thatI idolized control and was not simply stubborn. It was my false hope that if I could control things then God could work more easily in my life and in others. But God.

God graciously redirects me from my stubborn desire to pursue ideals. Because His love for me is far more incredible than I can wrap my mind around, my walls fortified by obstinance keep crashing down. I am able to see the life He’s offering me as He keeps enforcing the truth that the cross wins my battle with worthlessness. I’ve learned to stop choosing control and pray for eyes to see the moments that I am, because I have nothing to prove; no need to protect. Jesus calls me a co-heir, the Ultimate Father calls me His precious daughter, and I am so valuable to Him that His Spirit indwells in me.